today was good. a while ago i wrote an awful post here, and i won't delete it - into it i poured my heart, awful as it is. on friday i got home and cried. today is not like either of those days.
today i felt (still feel!) in good spirits. i woke up feeling happy, a little content even. i treated myself getting ready, put on a little makeup, even though i'm not seeing anyone today. and though things can be rough, i suppose sometimes those mood swings can swing the opposite way too. i'm not sure i'm really verbalising it properly - today felt good, the sort of day where i mumble along the music i'm listening to, a little extra spring in my step. a rare treat.
i've been presenting, uh, a little more queer recently. it's been... nicer than it feels like it should be. some people treat me a little nicer. some people give me odd glances. in the last week alone two different friends asked me about my gender (and i wish i had a more substantive answer for them). i don't know, as small as my efforts are it feels like i'm finally tangling with this beast that i've been pushing down for so long now. and doing that hurts, but it feels so good to win those small battles.
i've only been able to tangle with it at all at the encouragement of a friend. that person has caused me wicked pain and exultant joy by keep prodding me to push at the boundaries, offering their help and advice and support. i am a changed person for having met them. the other week i got quite drunk and told them this, that it means so much for them to have helped me, and though i might refuse to look at those probably slightly embarrassing messages now, i'm glad i sent them. they're true, all the way through, even if i couldn't say them sober.
i don't know, even as i struggle with some things i am able to grasp more tightly to others. sometimes i look in the mirror, and even if i don't see what i want, i can stand to keep looking. that's me, and i can change me, even if not as much as i'd want. i'm a little teary writing this, but it's not that they're sad tears. i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive and i want nothing more than to pour all my love into this world. i want to live.
now listening: pigeon pit - feather river canyon blues (i really love this album please give it a listen)