it hurts me. every day that passes, it hurts me, this body, this flesh, this thing that i am. reprieve is rare and fleeting, and to see what i see in that mirror does nothing but sting. it is not enough that i cannot escape this flesh; it seeps into my being, into my soul, and i cannot escape my nature, not now, not ever. it will hurt until the day i die.
i don't mean to be ever the pessimist. i cannot foresee a break, a radical shift, a fault that will lift me of this particular burden. it will hurt until the day i die. and i can try to lift that burden, to change how i dress and the makeup i wear. it is but a band-aid on an axe wound; a vain and symbolic attempt to fix something i cannot fix. it can lighten the burden - some days i can bear to see myself - and yet it is not enough. nothing is enough. i am a horrible, terrible, selfish thing. i will never be satisfied because i want what i cannot have; because i am awful and greedy.
and i could shrivel up and die, but that would be far too polite. instead i desperately cling to this loose grasp i have on my life, hold fast against it all. it is not enough that i finally snap and do it cold and alone. instead i must wriggle my way into other peoples lives, lodge myself into these groups of people, make myself a fixture, terrible horrible parasite that i am. i must drag them down with me and make sure that when i do that terrible thing it is the most selfish act i can muster: i must inflict that pain on as many people as i can. they care about me, you know. i think. i don't know why; it feels like i have tricked them, lied to them, parasite that i am.
and what a terrible thing i am that i lie about even this to them: were one of them in this position, i'd tell them that they can fix it, and i'd believe it. i cannot grant myself that same kindness, no matter how hard i try. as in all things, i am but a fraud.
it hurts, it hurts every day, and it will hurt until i die. time to dry my tears and keep going. i'm sorry if you read this, and i'm sorry if it hurt to read. please know that i'm not going to do that terrible thing, not yet, not as long as i can keep holding on, and hopefully not ever. it is the only promise i have made that i will do anything to keep.