i made this place to write out the things i need to write; sometimes i find that i don't bother. those are often the good days. i find myself more drawn to write here on the bad days, the ones that crush me underfoot as i try to keep going. it's a little sad, i think. this place becomes a log of sadness. i use plenty of names around different parts of the internet. i like this one. i find it a shame that it is bound mostly to my despair.
i am writing now in that despair. the mood swings still go; more often low than high, but most days are fine. the dysphoria is getting worse, i think. i keep trying to fight it, but it feels like quicksand: the more i struggle, the worse it gets. i cannot be satisfied; i struggle to be more comfortable, and the goalposts get even further away.
it's becoming more obvious, too. people that know me, and not the one i've told, notice. they say things, not mean things, but they see more clearly what i struggle to hide. some of them assume things; some of them are closer to the truth than others. some of them will hint at the topic and it makes me uncomfortable; more than once i have been at a party and had some drunkenly try to interrogate my gender.
it pervades more of my life now. i'm put off a game with a binary gender choice for your character: either i pick my assigned gender and feel shitty or pick the other and feel weird about it. i especially don't want to play these games with my friends, where picking the least bad option might reinforce assumptions that aren't true.
i've got to figure out what i'm wearing to a semi-formal event soon, one that i won't go to if i can't find something that won't make me feel shitty. neither suit nor dress speaks to me for obvious reasons. i want to be gnc but i don't fancy stoking the flames again. i don't want to get asked about it or explain myself to someone, however well meaning. i'm tired, and i just want to be comfortable, but i can't, i can't, and with each day it encroaches further into my life. i want people to understand but i don't want to have to undergo interrogation. i know what i am and i hear the things i'm called and i'm so so so so so sick of it.
i want my mind to be quiet and i want to stop being reminded about gender. i am person outside of it but it just won't leave me alone. i will never be free of it, not until i shuffle off this mortal coil. be all my sins remember'd.