i'm... doing so much better. today i sat in the shower and sobbed; not sad, just overwhelmed. i know some really, genuinely lovely people. through them i have come to understand and treat myself better than i did before. i try to be kind to myself. and i'm not perfect, and nobody is, but i really am doing better. i'm not that sad, scared, broken little thing anymore; not because i don't get sad, or that i don't get scared, or that i'm somehow fixed. i am not that thing anymore because it doesn't define me now, not like it did then.
to crawl out of that hole changed me: everyday that i yet breathe is success. every time i crawl out of that bed is a monument to the fact that i'm still alive now. and i'm scared, because in my low moments i still sometimes have those thoughts. thoughts of ending it. not that it matters, because there is only one thing i know for certain now: there is no easy way out. there is no other option. i refuse, i refuse steadfastly, as stubborn as i am i refuse to give in. i say it again: between my life and the alternative, there is no decision to make, because there is no alternative.
and so it goes; i climb out of that pit, and now i must climb that mountain: it is not enough that i do not hate myself. i must be kind to myself. i care about how i look now. i care so much, so so much about the people around me. i am here to live. and to cry, i suppose.
i write here for myself. but if it so happens that you are reading this from the depths of that pit, i beg of you to hold on. keep going, keep breathing. there is always a way through. that is the only thing i know for certain.
now listening: rook&nomie - SUPEREGO ROYAL JELLY